Thursday, November 22, 2018

Today is another day of contemplating suicide. I am depressed because my last episode was so real and natural and I threatened my neighbor because I thought the AC repair man was going to kill us, the reason I thought this is very complicated but true nevertheless. While talking to her I thought she took the "evil AC repair man's side" This is what schizophrenia is. Irrational thoughts based off of false memories. I need to be in a group home where I can do reality checks, as in ask if what I just heard or saw was real. It is more complicated then merely hearing voices. I doubt I will ever kill myself though because of what that would do to my parents. I currently go to the hospital five days a week for half a day to do group therapy. The therapy helps a little because I can talk more openly about my illness, although not to much because I can trigger other patients. Frankly I am scared that I am incapable of anything normal and the more I realize what all I did and tried to do. I tried to have two people killed because I thought there was some grand conspiracy to kill me involving the N.S.A. and the C.I.A.. Two normal people and I mean besides the AC repair man and my neighbor. I take my meds now and I get treatment regularly but I know deep down I need to be in a safe environment surrounded by professionals. What I tried to have done to these people is the real root of my depression and suicidal thoughts. Its guilt. I know people that nearly did what I asked and was willing to pay for, but luckily these people considered me crazy but money talks and people in poverty are capable of anything.

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